I often hear this sentence from women during my seminars: ‘There is no suitable man for me’. And they do their best to make me believe in what they believe. What I tell them is this: ‘If you can’t see them, that doesn’t mean that they don’t exist.

The one-sided generalizations that take you away from your aims are called ‘limiting beliefs’. Having a limiting belief such as: ‘There is no suitable man for me.’ will even prevent you from seeing the men that are actually around you. Let me tell you how:

Years ago, I met a girl who was older than me. I would go and ask for her advice when I had problems with my relationships. One day she called me and suggested we go to Kemancı together. Kemancı was one of the most popular rock bars of İstanbul at the time. I thought it was only the two of us going. But when I came to the meeting place, I saw that she had brought four other men who had problems with their relationships just as I did. So we went to Kemancı as a group of five men and a woman.

I didn’t look similar to any of the people in the bar. I had glasses, short hair and a colorful shirt while most of the people in the bar had long hair, black shirts with skulls on them and no glasses. I thought ‘Girls will not even take a look at me here’ because I looked completely different.

We danced on a platform all night. While we were leaving my friend who took us there turned to me and said: ‘Hakan, the girls who were standing on your right didn’t take their eyes off you throughout the night. But you never turned and looked at them.’ I still don’t know if what she was saying was true or not. But there is something I am sure about: I really didn’t look to my right even once that night. Fearing to be rejected because of my thought ‘The girls here won’t be interested in me.’, I just danced with my friend who was dancing on my left side.

Something else happened after a few years. There was a girl I was really interested in the company I was working at the time. I found her very attractive but again I thought ‘This girl won’t be interested in me.’ I really enjoyed chatting with her when we came across during the coffee breaks. Five or six months have passed chatting at the breaks. One day I took up all my courage and I texted her that I really liked her. Her answer was: ‘I ran after you for six months.  But you didn’t reciprocate and I was about to give up. So I was very surprised to have your message.’ I was definitely very surprised as well. Because I was sure that she would never take a look at me…

The limiting beliefs such as ‘he would never take a look at me’ or ‘there is no suitable man for me’ are just like the walls you build around yourself. In order to see what is behind the walls you need to break them and replace them with empowering beliefs. But you aren’t able to see the other possibilities since you focus on ‘the impossible’. You won’t see those who are dancing under your nose and looking at you all night or those who runs after you in your workplace. It is time for you to change your beliefs and create your lover out of nothing!


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Albertha 19 December 2016

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